Prologue

June 23rd, 1994

To who cares,

No,

To my parents,

No,

To whoever finds this letter,

 I don’t know how to start, I don’t even know what to say, so I guess I’ll just write because in all the movies I’ve seen and books I’ve read, when people kill themselves, they leave a note. I can’t take it anymore, I can’t live with the embarrassment of being used like a toy, like being tossed aside for a “fresher” model, I thought we had something, I thought I was different than the others he saw. I wasn’t! He dumped me for a freshman, not only did she take my spot with him, but she also took my spot on the team. I hate how I still care for him, how I miss meeting him in the locker room after practice, he didn’t even have to drug me like the other girls, I wanted to be with him. And he ended it with ME.  I threatened him after graduation, I would tell my parents, the principal, the way I almost told Mrs. Lindquist back in April. He laughed at me, said I didn’t have the guts, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I ruined his life and sent him to jail. He was right. But I also can’t live without him, knowing he’s with other, younger girls.

I’ve contemplated this for three weeks, and this is the only solution, I’ve been ruined, no other man will want me, he stole what was most sacred to me and used me up, made me do things I thought I wanted because I trusted him, because he had a power over me. I won’t name him directly, but he’s not the saint he portrays at school or at church.

Mom and dad, I love you, I never ever meant to be a disappointment and disgrace. To my best friend Violet, keep William in line, I’m sorry I’ll miss your wedding, I know you’ll be the best teacher ever. And to you, I haven’t named you, I hate you, and I love you and I can’t live with you being with someone else.

Goodbye,

Hanna Svenson